38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
