My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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