My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
