I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
