I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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