I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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