Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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