If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
