I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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