When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
