That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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