This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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