I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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