I wish I only lived at night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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