You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
