I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
