I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I looked at my own cervix.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
