While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
