I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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