Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
