My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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