I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
