First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
