My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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