Pants 0. Shit 1.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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