Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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