Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
