He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
