Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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