but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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