well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
