i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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