She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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