If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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