see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
