i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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