When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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