I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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