I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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