Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
