I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
