see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
