I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
