Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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