You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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