Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
