I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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