you guys were way drunker than both of me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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