I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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