If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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