You're my little dorito
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize