I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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