I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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