dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
