Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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