Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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