Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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