need another drink. this is the easiest way
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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