Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
