I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
